Since last July, I have had a difficult time all of the way around. From being debilitated by parasites and injuries through the last half of 2008 to finally realizing I am not invincible in the first half of 2009. Wow. What do I have to go on? My immune system and my teeth seem to be the sad remaining reminders of the parasites. I have now lost 3 teeth. It is a daily battle mostly emotionally to rebuild my teeth. I truly believe I can and will. Some times I am losing and sometimes I am winning. All I know is I will not give up. In addition, any time I over do it, I pay for it. I get sick, I get another injury, I am too tired to do my day to day things of working, training, raising my awesome son. But then the sun comes out again and I find within my heart that spark that will never dim.
I have visited these feelings before about 10 years ago when I experienced a near fatal head injury donating blood. I knew in my heart that no matter what anyone else said, I would be back. I relearned to read, finished college, had a son whom I am raising as a single mom, and have a great career as a massage therapist, yoga and pilates teacher. Not to mention many beautiful memories racing triathlons and trail runs with the Xterra circuit. Better than ever. It took a while, but I got there.
Now the pulling of my heart to get out and live is much stronger than the physical ailments I am experiencing right now. Life is ever changing. This moment will not last forever. I have now run two races this year. One was the Salt Lake City half marathon. I ran a 1:27:44 and finished 8th overall female out of 2,544. Not bad for a sick girl with very little training. And now the diablo 25k. Again, minimal training, a really hard fall, and I still finished a solid 3rd place female over all. Then there is the road bike racing. I am climbing well, endurance is building, I am hanging with the big girls (yay!!!) and a deep inner strength is speaking louder each day that I am coming back. The voice will soon call so loud that it will drown out all of the tough things right now and make them seem small.
What have I learned? Appreciate always what you have right now. Love your health. Love beautiful days. Love the difficult days as they provide a contrast as to just how beautiful the good ones are. Find reasons to feel joy and relish in it. When you look in a mirror, look deep into your eyes. Fall in love with the soul you see. Remember that is the real you. The real me is not the one physically that is seen by most at the moment, with tired eyes, injured teeth, bruised body. The real me is light and perfect and anyone who can’t see that isn’t looking deeply. Soon, I will shine inside and out again. Right now I am gathering strength.
And when I come back, I will be stronger than I ever knew I could be.