This is a picture of me last July right after the Downieville bike race in California. So dirty, so tired, so happy and full of life. I miss that strength. I miss that shining light. All I wanted to do was smile. It was my favorite part of me. Now pictures of me show no smile and my eyes are enveloped in a sadness I can’t quite shake. I am embarassed about my teeth. What has happened to them. I look at my body and yearn for the funny tan lines and little tired muscles after a day of racing and enjoying sunshine. Tears fall every day along with feelings of vulnerability and grief for what once was. I used to think it was a no brainer to accept ‘what is’. I’d been through a lot like many others.
This one has knocked me completely off my feet and sent me rolling and banging to the bottom of a cliff. I am working my way up. Pain. Physically I have never experienced so much pain in my life. Emotionally and mentally some days I struggle to keep going. I need to keep remembering to take one step at a time and that little falls back are there to help me keep the focus. Gratitude. For all I have. Acceptance. For what is at this moment. These are my tests emotionally. Ouch. Purpose? I want my little boy to have a strong beautiful mommy. There are lots of adventures, races, moments in our future and I want to be there with him to experience them. I just need to remember to keep believing in miracles. I need some.